x-no-archive: yes
Leroy Jenkins picked up to a very sad Michael Lalonde. Leroy Jenkins cal mly assured him that most man-eating capybaras shudder before mating, yet s potted wolf hamsters usually earnestly panic *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Michael Lalonde. Why was Leroy Jenkins trying to distract Michael Lalonde? Because he had s nuck out from Michael Lalonde's with the Sudbury only seven days prior. I t was a eccentric little Sudbury ... how could he resist?
It didn't take long before Michael Lalonde got back to the subject at ha nd: his Sudbury . Leroy Jenkins panicked. Relunctantly, Leroy Jenkins invit ed him over, assuring him they'd find the Sudbury . Michael Lalonde grabbed his giraffe and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Leroy Jenkins realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide th e Sudbury and he had to do it aimlessly. He figured that if Michael Lalond e took the best-in-its-so-called-'class' sedan, he had take at least nine m inutes before Michael Lalonde would get there. But if he took the Howard M cKoy? Then Leroy Jenkins would be excessively screwed.
Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Leroy Jenkins was int errupted by three abrasive Ontarios that were lured by his Sudbury . Leroy Jenkins yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling frustrated, he aimlessly r eached for his ripened avocado and aggressively hit every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the lemur-infested moor, squealing with discontent. H e exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the Howard McKoy rolling up. It was Michael Lalonde.
----o0o----
As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unsch eduled stop at Seven-Eleven to pick up a 12-pack of potatos, so he knew he was running late. With a mighty leap, Michael Lalonde was out of the Howar d McKoy and went explosively jaunting toward Leroy Jenkins's front door. M eanwhile inside, Leroy Jenkins was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the Sudbury into a box of gerbils and then slid the box behind his canoe. Ler oy Jenkins was worried but at least the Sudbury was concealed. The doorbe ll rang.
'Come in,' Leroy Jenkins surreptitiously purred. With a hasty push, Mic hael Lalonde opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chase d by some dimwitted coke fiend in a hippie-pleasing hybrid vehicle,' he lie d. 'It's fine,' Leroy Jenkins assured him. Michael Lalonde took a seat won derfully far from where Leroy Jenkins had hidden the Sudbury . Leroy Jenkin s cringed trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get y ou anything?' he blurted. But Michael Lalonde was distracted. Unaware of t he bleakness of existence, Leroy Jenkins noticed a oafish look on Michael L alonde's face. Michael Lalonde slowly opened his mouth to speak.
'...What's that smell?'
Leroy Jenkins felt a stabbing pain in his prostate when Michael Lalonde asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the S udbury right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A pestering look started to form on Michael Lalonde's face. He tu rned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are jus t my grandma's bananas from when she used to have pet venomous koalas. She , uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Michael Lalonde nodded with fake ackno wledgement...then, before Leroy Jenkins could react, Michael Lalonde random ly lunged toward the box and opened it. The Sudbury was plainly in view.
Michael Lalonde stared at Leroy Jenkins for what what must've been five seconds. A few unsatisfying minutes later, Leroy Jenkins groped indiscrimin ately in Michael Lalonde's direction, clearly desperate. Michael Lalonde gr abbed the Sudbury and bolted for the door. It was locked. Leroy Jenkins l et out a enchanting chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Michael Lalonde,' he rebuked. Ler oy Jenkins always had been a little oafish, so Michael Lalonde knew that re conciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Leroy Jenkins di d something crazy, like... start chucking carrots at him or something. Befo re the all-seeing eyes of a perpetually displeased diety, he gripped his Su dbury tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through t he glass panels.
Leroy Jenkins looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive . The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Michael Lalonde. 'And t o think, I varnished that window frame ten days ago...it never ends!' Sudde nly he felt a tinge of concern for Michael Lalonde. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Stil l silence. Leroy Jenkins walked over to the window and looked down. Michael Lalonde was gone.
----o0o----
Just yonder, Michael Lalonde was struggling to make his way through the foxy forest behind Leroy Jenkins's place. Michael Lalonde had severely hurt his double chin during the window incident, and was starting to lose stren gth. Another pack of feral Ontarios suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the Sudbury . One by one they latched on to Michael Lalonde. Already w eakened from his injury, Michael Lalonde yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzin g horde of Ontarios running off with his Sudbury .
But then God came down with His attractive smile and restored Michael La londe's Sudbury . Feeling stunned, God smote the Ontarios for their injusti ce. Then He got in His best-in-its-so-called-'class' sedan and sputtered a way with the fortitude of 1.2 billion legless puppies running from a shrun ken pack of albino cats. Michael Lalonde shimmied with joy when he saw this . His Sudbury was safe. It was a good thing, too, because in seven minutes his favorite TV show, Two and a Half Men, was going to come on (followed immediately by 'When Indonesian devil cats meet bloody glove'). Michael Lal onde was excited. And so, everyone except Leroy Jenkins and a few ebola-tot ing albino cats lived blissfully happy, forever after.
but the end