OT: Which chat protocol most closely fits my needs?

Hi:

I am looking for a chat protocol with all the following characteristics -- to the largest extent possible:

1. No download/installation of anything necessary
2. Does not require ActiveX or Internet Explorer
3. Does not use or require Java or JavaScript
4. Most difficult for other chatters to figure out my IP address, MAC address, and other electronic IDs.
5. Is text-only [not able to transmit/receive files, images, or other nonsense]
6. Does not allow uploading/downloading to/from other chatters
7. Can be accessed by most OSes/browsers
8. Does not have any IM/PM capability [when I post my message, I want everyone in the chat room to see it. In addition, I just hate it when other chatters PM/IM me.]
9. Is real-time - i.e. I post my message and those in the room can immediately reply to me.
10. Transmits/receives small amounts of text rapidly - unlike Usenet which transmits/receives large amounts of text slowly.
11. Allows me to be nameless and still access the chat rooms with a blank screen name.
12. Does not give away my email address
13. Does not allow access to audio/video - e.g. no webcam capability
14. Does not require an email address for confirmation
15. Does not use or require HTML, DHMTL, or anything similar
16. Does not require any login
17. Does not require registration
18. Uses the least amount of bandwidth, memory, and CPU power.

Sadly, there is no protocol that fits all 18 requirments.

What chat protocol exists that most closely fits what I'm looking for?

Thanks,

Green